some nights when sleepless winds howl disconsolate outside the peacock's cry echoes despair the mind turns suddenly: like a queen revealed when shuffling a pack of cards i see your face. the rounded childlike cheeks that these hands have held, the eyes through which these eyes have gazed into your soul the life which I held then in my arms now lost, overlaid with other loves. a pang flashes - i wonder where in this world you roam your feet in the sand on what empty beach, getting wet in what rain, sitting by what window your eyes dark with a lifetime of pain... the fires i started but couldn't control and in the end it burnt, burnt, burnt you up and now that the memory no longer wells up in tears i wonder if i am still there - somewhere - like stars lost in the light of day: see what a narcissist i am, even now?
amit mukerjee
august 2004
kanpur