COLLEGE STATION (UAP) -- A caller from the little known counter-evolutionary group R.E.A.C.T. has claimed responsibility for the botched attempt to blow up a low-powered campus nuclear reactor on Monday. The reactor, which is operated by the Nuclear Engineering department in the basement of Zachry Engineering Center, was inspected closely by a robot bomb disposal squad and certified to be entirely bombfree by the head of the squad, D2R4.
In the telephone call claiming responsibility the caller seemed to be out of breath, as if he was talking while clambering up a wall. "Hello," he said, "I am speaking while clambering up a wall. The bomb which was planted in the Zachry nuclear reactor was the work of our neo-errorist group, R.E.A.C.T. I can't talk longer because I hadn't considered that the phone cord can't go beyond the first floor." Click.
At this point of time, the organization and objectives of R.E.A.C.T. are relatively unknown. R.E.A.C.T., which is an acronym for Rapid Evacuation After Closing Time, was apparently formed about a month back when the master keys of several buildings were lost, and building access was restricted. R.E.A.C.T.ers are known to be a prehensile lot who specialize in unorthodox modes of building access.
In an exclusive interview for the BATTALION, the leader of the small fanatic underground group mentioned that the bomb attempt had to do with the continued non-cooperation of the university in changing the locks so that the building could remain open in the evenings. Unfortunately, due to the peculiar habits of R.E.A.C.T. members, this interview had to be conducted while rappelling down the Oceanography building, and large bits of dialogue were lost in the wind. The interview ended with a particularly violent gust which resulted in this reporter being severely injured in the left hip, knee, and ankle, not to mention the odd pulverized shinbone.
Several students who use Zachry after office hours said that they had heard of R.E.A.C.T. Some were clearly apprehensive to talk about it and glanced around furtively before venturing a fuzzy denial and moving on. But Frank Earnest, an Engineering Geopolitics major, said that he knew about R.E.A.C.T. "It used to be a bunch of mountaineers and spelunkers out to have a good time but now some of my friends have also joined just to avoid the bother of normal exit, also known as find-your-name-from-the-endless-list-of-signatures-at-the-front-door. Some of these kids are impatient and getting real desperate."
Most students seemed unhappy about this sign in/out ritual. "It is totally awesome how gross the system is," complained Lisa deHewit, who is majoring in Languageless Communication and often uses Zachry in the nights. "The side doors are all open from the inside, so that anyone can calmly walk out with a multimillion dollar electronic pencil sharpener while our backpacks are being searched at the gate."
To meet this growing counter-evolutionary threat, the administrators have requested the help of a city firm, Poor and Poorer Inc. One security expert who claimed to be a consultant to the University said that the bomb scare was the act of a recidivist group of sixties' radicals, and pictured them as having tattoos on their left hands. "However," he was quick to qualify, "Not ALL people with left hand tattoos are suspect."
Meanwhile, detailed accounts from survivors have begun to build the first picture of the entire incident. The group seen rushing out of Zachry around 5:15 on Monday were a varied crowd: they included two Romanian Visiting Gypsies taking a short cut from Bangkok to Acapulco, and a slightly baffled group of conference attendees who kept on asking when the rodeo was due to begin. There were also the usual complement of harried professors and even more harried students, as well as a significant number of curious onlookers.
In the ensuing confusion Miss Rambuldo Flores, one of the Romanian gypsies, was seen attempting to trade an used horse saddle. Several barbecue grills appeared mysteriously, and in no time, the heady aroma of smoked hamburger gave the area a festive atmosphere. As it drew closer to the scheduled time of 5:40, the apprehensive crowd moved away from the building waiting for the blast which never came. Finally, several disappointed tourists, after lengthy negotiation with Miss Flores, exchanged a video camcorder for the "genuine Texan rodeo saddle", and headed across the street for McDonald's.
Later in the evening, some of these people returned to Zachry. Most of them had to sign in at the gate. Some, with tattoos on the left hand, used alternate methods.